I have tried so much.

My new favourite moment in movie history is a mini stay-puft marshmallow man spit-roasting his fellow marshmallow men over a BBQ. Devilishly delicious.

I am nowhere in life. I don't have any friends. I've never been on a date. I've never done any of the things that come after a (successful) date. I've always been poor, unattractive and socially inept so I realized by my mid-20s that I'll have to learn to be an introvert and keep to myself. It wasn't easy, but I've made peace with being alone and not having a social life. What really crushes my soul is that I've never become financially independent. I thought when I grew up I would at least get a decent job that I don't loathe going to and make enough to support myself and live with dignity, even if alone. I have never had an "adult" job in my life. A 14 year old could do my dead-end retail job. I wasted what savings I had going to school off and on. I failed math and science so I had to get a B.A. which is worthless to most employers. In desperation, I squandered the rest of my savings going back to school for something more "practical" before the pandemic started. Internships (if you don't have family or friends in high places) are how you get a foot in the door but I found that you need to have perfect grades or be an international student, with office experience from your home country, to be accepted. At the end of 2019, I managed to make it to the final interview for my first grownup job. The two interviewers were both younger than me (as were the company owners). They made me wait for over an hour and then asked a bunch of trick "aptitude" questions which I clearly failed because they didn't hire me. It was humiliating. I live in a basement suite in my mother's house (no, not for free). I am deeply ashamed of it. 30% of my annual income goes into deductions, and after bills, groceries and other expenses, there is little left for a down payment for a small condo. It will take years. I have nothing saved for retirement. When my mother passes, I will officially be alone. I will have to work till the day I die, and if I get injured or can't work, I'll end up on the street. There isn't a happy ending for this confession, and there won't be one for my life.

I had a vivid dream I was scrolling through Facebook and my dream person had updated their profile picture to a topless picture. WOW! Can you even do that?? I immediately scrolled past because I was in public (in my dream) and felt super excited to wake up and check this out in real life (and definitely download the photo). When I awoke I immediately looked them up on FB...but the dream world is not the real world.

I confess it’s difficult to fight against loneliness day after day. It changes your brain. You feel quiet desperation. Before the pandemic, you’d look at people in the grocery store, hoping to start a conversation with anyone, without looking like you’re unstable or imposing. You begin to wonder if this is how your life was supposed to be. You regret ever telling anyone you’ve experienced mental health issues in the past, because they all behaved as though it were a plague they couldn’t get away from fast enough. Loneliness changes your brain, distorts all of your thinking, about everything, convinces you you’re hopelessly unlikable. You can feel cold heartache in your bones.

bought myself ice cream sandwiches today and my taste usually looks to sodium and msg especially. had one, two, maybe three... drowning out the sorrow in lactose sugar. my mouth is frozen but it has yet to stall my tears. i'll have one more chocolate vanilla sandwich.

I can't do online dating anymore. I can't read one more profile, filled with hope, only to be disappointed by a TOTAL lack of information. No sense of who she is, nothing about personal interests, no idea what they like or dislike. Give me something!

I don't know s**t. Back in my young days I used to think I could predict things before they would actually happen, but truth is I now know that didn't know a f ** ing thing about nothing.

The only thing that really bothers me in life is that I can't personally, physically thank any musician, artist or anyone who has had a profound affect on my life.

I have been randomly stumbling into relationships, and inevitably rage-quitting after a few months or a year, for about 7 years now. How do long-term daters do it?