I was offered a promotion a year or so ago. I didn't respond and now that I've had a lot of time to think about it....I don't want to be involved with that. Maybe that will change later but from what I see now....no way jose.
It's maybe a bit bizarre, but it fascinates me. If I go out drinking and have cigarettes or spill something smelly and bad like beer on myself, I can simply throw detergent and clothing in the washing machine and it magically gets the worst of odours and filth out of my clothing. I just love it so frickin' much. I can be a boy-- or a man or whatever-- and there are hardly any repercussions to my outfit. I feel like 100 bucks the next day.
It's just so simple too. It requires zero effort. It amazes me how other grown men are unable to do something as simple as the laundry. Poor female companions.
It is not like I had a bad breakup, well it was brutal what I had to go through and how I acted wasn't ideal. But regardless of what I did and felt, I had a beautiful 3-year relationship that I will always cherish, which ended 3 years ago. It is not like I don't want to share beautiful moments with someone special again. But as soon as I think that, the thought that I have stored somewhere deep in my mind pops up right away that I do not want to go through the pain and I do not want anyone to feel the pain because of me. I am 30. People say there is the one. Friends are married and have kids. Surprisingly these factors don't make me feel behind or threatened. But I feel scared for them thinking what-ifs. I know that that is absolutely not my business, but it just reminds me of the greater pain that I had to deal with after the happiness that made me believe that I was the luckiest and happiest in the world. There is this person who shows no interest in me but has been sticking around for some reason, and I think to myself "I wonder how long this person can go with me, I have a life to waste anyway." Maybe it is not fair for this person. And I can't seem to be as affectionate and loving as I was before and that terrifies me. Does a breakup do this kind of thing for this long? I am so exhausted and I am maybe sad as well that I can't be who I used to be around people that I am romantically attracted to. I used to be 100% all in when it comes to romance. I don't seem to be able to do that anymore. I would rather lose myself than hurting anyone because of me in any possible way.
I used to think that I was weird. Now I know that it's everyone else.
I was in the hospital and couldn't shower because the shower was broken. I was really embarrassed because I had to see a specialist, but the nurse said I was ok. The doctor said my drop attack was from fear, like playing possum, but in my case more of a skunk. I had him repeat it, because I couldn't believe he would be so crass. So he said it again. I think he thought it was funny. WTF. The irony is, he says my serious neurological symptoms (they had diagnosed and treated me for Parkinson's for 2 years previously) are from "emotional distress". It's pretty distressing, not to mention humiliating, to be called a skunk, so I don't know how he thought that was helpful....
I went out into the world today, for the first time in over a month. It was weird, scary, and exhausting.
A short bus ride, grocery pickup, outdoor park chat with a friend in the rain.
The world is so noisy again and people are acting like things are “back to normal”.
But not for me. Four whole hours out there and I’m exhausted. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go “back to normal”.
I bought a boxed wine, my first ever. Furtively, of course, at a liquor store outside my neighbourhood. Because I'm the only wine drinker in the house right now, and couldn't get thru a bottle fast enough before the last couple of glasses went off. Supposedly it'll last 30 days. It was the most expensive box in the white wine section -- 3 litres for around $40 with tax. French. Sitting discretely in a corner of the fridge. It's actually quite drinkable, and still quite fresh after 5 days. I'm making my way thru it on schedule.
It inconveniences my roommate when he tries to open a new bag.
I feel like little red ridinghood.
Im on my way to gramma's house
But I keep encountering all these wolves along the way and the only thing they seem to want is whats in my basket.
The basket is empty.
Little ridinghood is dead.
The mask and my allergies make me cough sometimes. And I feel like I’m choking. I’m in the store and in a line up (nobody was wearing a mask, btw) I cough into my arm and a woman freaks out and says I’m not wearing my mask properly and says how dare you cough like that in public. Calm the fuck down people...